It's Not What You Say...It's How You Say It
What you say is often taken differently than how you intended it based on your delivery of the message alone. We all heard the cliche statement made from our parents when we were young "It's not what you say, its how you say it." Usually this statement was made during some altercation between siblings. However; it can apply to all our relationships, whether those be personal, business or just an acquaintance. Most of us would agree that we pay more attention to body language than the actual words that are spoken, which can provide many opportunities for misunderstandings, especially in gender differences.
Delivery of your message makes up half of what it is that you are trying to say in the first place. The receiving party can usually tell how the speaking party really feels about the subject in which is being discussed just based on how they behave towards it. Have you ever spoken with someone that is completely excited about a subject? It's completely contagious! The same goes for someone that is super NOT excited about a particular subject. You don't need them to flat out say..."I really don't care...whatever." Their behavior exudes the attitude and opinion they have already succumbed to.
I think gender makes our body language of high importance while in a conversation. Men and women perceive things very differently. Although I am not male, I would venture to guess that when a man is in a conversation the overriding thinking is generally "Yeah...she wants me" Men have a much more macho, I've got the information you need kind of attitude. Now please don't take this in the wrong way. I realize this is quite a generalization! The funny thing is...is women generally feel the same! We just express it differently than each other.
I think that women attempt to portray an attitude of sexy and smart at the same time. There are those that think its cute to be stupid...or act blonde. How that comes across to the male population...I really don't know...feel free to comment on that, all you men out there. How do you feel about sexy smart vs.. sexy dumb?
How about all you women? How do you feel about overconfident, macho, I can do it all men? (I fear I am having a Jerry MaGuire moment and come to regret the moment I hit post button)
Well, this blob completely went in a direction that was unintended and it sounds super sexist. I really am not...after thinking about interactions between men and women I really feel like there is usually some kind of initial "are you attracted to me or not" scenario. I also can admit that once that is figured out you are free to converse in a more relaxed way. Although, once you are relaxed, I think that is when the real barrier hits. How we perceive the opposite sex and how we come across to them.
Really I think that the variables that are involved in the many communication differences are so vast, and that is why there are and will continue to be so many books and seminars on how to communicate effectively.
You can tell someone they look nice.. and by the way you say it they can tell if you are being sarcastic or honest..or at least think they can tell.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Generation or Gender?
The Generational Gender Gap
While growing up there are some distinct differences between my relationship with my mother and my relationship with my father. I spent a lot of time “doing” with my father but a lot of time talking with my mother.
I never wondered if my dad loved me, or if he would be there for me if I needed him. We did not have long, deep discussions of how to handle problems or anything, but what we did I will forever remember. My dad had two girls I think he had a hard time relating to us so instead of trying to have a meaningful conversation he showed us his love by giving of his time. He would cut down broomsticks and tape them together and turn them into double barrel shotguns and we played Miami Vice. Not the one that is on now…the old one! I remember spending countless hours playing baseball with him, just throwing the ball back and forth. This was a subject of conversation. He would talk forever about the how to’s of baseball and all that I would need to know in order to be a good player. I don’t think he knew how to relate to us girls.
My mom on the other hand was the opposite. She knew just what to say and when to say it. I remember countless hours with her sitting on her bed while she spoke of all the lessons that she encountered as a young girl. It was my mom that told me that I could do anything I wanted, and that it is wrong to put someone down just to lift someone else up. She was the one that I cried to when my best friend moved out of state.
As my sister and I got older the communication between my dad and us became stronger and stronger. He was more willing to share thoughts and ideas with us. He spends time encouraging me to keep going even though it is very difficult. He seems to have reached a point in his life that he did not feel as though he could not relate to girls.
The relationship with my mom also evolved into a beautiful friendship. We still talk and bounce ideas off each other, but now she is less likely to share her thoughts and opinions. Maybe it’s because she feels that she has done her job and unless we ask for her opinion she doesn’t give it.
Unfortunately, I cannot come up with the solution the question of whether there is a difference in gender communication between generations because I feel that this is pretty coming in households everywhere. Men are more uncomfortable as a general rule in sharing and communicating feelings, emotions and even sometimes just an opinion for fear of it being misunderstood. Women are more likely to talk in a personal situation while men hold their tongue. This is the same pattern we see in our homes as well.
While growing up there are some distinct differences between my relationship with my mother and my relationship with my father. I spent a lot of time “doing” with my father but a lot of time talking with my mother.
I never wondered if my dad loved me, or if he would be there for me if I needed him. We did not have long, deep discussions of how to handle problems or anything, but what we did I will forever remember. My dad had two girls I think he had a hard time relating to us so instead of trying to have a meaningful conversation he showed us his love by giving of his time. He would cut down broomsticks and tape them together and turn them into double barrel shotguns and we played Miami Vice. Not the one that is on now…the old one! I remember spending countless hours playing baseball with him, just throwing the ball back and forth. This was a subject of conversation. He would talk forever about the how to’s of baseball and all that I would need to know in order to be a good player. I don’t think he knew how to relate to us girls.
My mom on the other hand was the opposite. She knew just what to say and when to say it. I remember countless hours with her sitting on her bed while she spoke of all the lessons that she encountered as a young girl. It was my mom that told me that I could do anything I wanted, and that it is wrong to put someone down just to lift someone else up. She was the one that I cried to when my best friend moved out of state.
As my sister and I got older the communication between my dad and us became stronger and stronger. He was more willing to share thoughts and ideas with us. He spends time encouraging me to keep going even though it is very difficult. He seems to have reached a point in his life that he did not feel as though he could not relate to girls.
The relationship with my mom also evolved into a beautiful friendship. We still talk and bounce ideas off each other, but now she is less likely to share her thoughts and opinions. Maybe it’s because she feels that she has done her job and unless we ask for her opinion she doesn’t give it.
Unfortunately, I cannot come up with the solution the question of whether there is a difference in gender communication between generations because I feel that this is pretty coming in households everywhere. Men are more uncomfortable as a general rule in sharing and communicating feelings, emotions and even sometimes just an opinion for fear of it being misunderstood. Women are more likely to talk in a personal situation while men hold their tongue. This is the same pattern we see in our homes as well.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Are we educating or teacing?
To Educate or Teach
It's been said that the 8th grade graduation test in the 1800 could not be passed by many college graduates. What has happened to our country? Perhaps we have allowed the education system to slowing disintegrate. As our country has become more focused on getting the most stuff and not what can I do to be better. We are now evaluating this decline in education and attempting to create some way out. Program improvement or NVLB has been initiated by the government to turn this broken system around. Unfortunately, creating an environment in which children want to learn is not the goal.
What is the focus of our country? I think the intentions were good, but teachers are now having to teach for tests and teach for learning. Where is this going to bring us? Frustration and failure is seem to be the result. Kids are graduating with no higher success rate. Just a couple generations back, there was not much discussion about leaving and going anywhere else. Traveling seemed like a luxury that only the rich could afford.
There is a much greater desire to travel and learn new things about different cultures. Teenagers today are looking to go oversees for the experience of it all and not just the education. There is a renewed appreciation for other cultures, however; I do think that there is somewhat of a phobia due to the high immigrant influx.
Students are able to respect others for many differences in opinion and religion, not like out parents. I think there is a level of fear when you start discussion the induction of a non-citizen most likely because of the large push to protect our borders.
I think that we need to remember that the strength of a nation is only as strong as its weakest member. We need to remember that knowledge is power, not just your typical knowledge but the kind of knowledge that you attain only after you study and regenerate information. Our kids are so hungry for real learning. The kind of learning that changes lives.
I think that to assume that American would be fooled into loving another religion or state of beliefs is to assume that Americans are not smart enough to be able to identify a bad religion. If we spend our time to educate the right way then we should not haveto worry too much about their decisions once they are grown.
It's been said that the 8th grade graduation test in the 1800 could not be passed by many college graduates. What has happened to our country? Perhaps we have allowed the education system to slowing disintegrate. As our country has become more focused on getting the most stuff and not what can I do to be better. We are now evaluating this decline in education and attempting to create some way out. Program improvement or NVLB has been initiated by the government to turn this broken system around. Unfortunately, creating an environment in which children want to learn is not the goal.
What is the focus of our country? I think the intentions were good, but teachers are now having to teach for tests and teach for learning. Where is this going to bring us? Frustration and failure is seem to be the result. Kids are graduating with no higher success rate. Just a couple generations back, there was not much discussion about leaving and going anywhere else. Traveling seemed like a luxury that only the rich could afford.
There is a much greater desire to travel and learn new things about different cultures. Teenagers today are looking to go oversees for the experience of it all and not just the education. There is a renewed appreciation for other cultures, however; I do think that there is somewhat of a phobia due to the high immigrant influx.
Students are able to respect others for many differences in opinion and religion, not like out parents. I think there is a level of fear when you start discussion the induction of a non-citizen most likely because of the large push to protect our borders.
I think that we need to remember that the strength of a nation is only as strong as its weakest member. We need to remember that knowledge is power, not just your typical knowledge but the kind of knowledge that you attain only after you study and regenerate information. Our kids are so hungry for real learning. The kind of learning that changes lives.
I think that to assume that American would be fooled into loving another religion or state of beliefs is to assume that Americans are not smart enough to be able to identify a bad religion. If we spend our time to educate the right way then we should not haveto worry too much about their decisions once they are grown.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Charged Words
Opinions and Charged Words
My daughter came into my room and told me that she is working supper hard to clean up her bedroom! She shares a room with her sister, whom also informed me that she was cleaning supper hard as well. Unfortunately, the both felt as though the other sister was not working nearly as hard as they, themselves, were working. You see, my older daughter was cleaning up all of the items that had been scattered all over the floor while her little sister was just working on the dirty laundry. However; her little sister came and told me that she has been working on gathering all of the clothes that had been scattered all over the floor, including her sisters’ towel! Her big sister on the other hand had only been picking up little things off the floor!
They have both twisted the story to be favorable to themselves while condemning the other to the gallows to be hung. Birk and Birk in their essay Selection, Slanting, and Charged Language have given this act a term called “slanting of facts”. This is done quite often in many different situations. The use of “charged words” is something much like slanting but can be of a more manipulative tool in the process of writing.
Just as I used my children to provide the example of slanting of the facts I will use another example from the same two girls that used previously. This is the way each one would recount and describe their experience at Chuck E Cheese.
Emma: Nana! You are never going to believe who we saw! Chuck E Cheese was there! He is so cute! He had a cute little hat on that matched his vest and was so nice to all the kids! He walked through the play-place and was dropping free tokens all over the floor!
Whitney: Oh Nana! I was awful! This horrible mouse came through the play-place! He was wearing an evil top hat and shirt that made him look like a wicked magician! As he walked through the play-place, he threw stuff at the kids they were trying to play!
Believe it or not this is the account of each girl’s point of view. Please not that the facts are the same, it is the use of what these “charged words” that leave us with a very clear account of how each child felt during the experience. Charged words are used anytime feelings, attitudes, judgments and values are being expressed. These charged words lead us in a very different direction from each other.
We feel the way each child felt during their experience, without them. It is the difference between listening to someone read the dictionary or encyclopedia. There are no attitudes or emotions expressed in these forms of communication. Could you imagine a day without expressing information with any imprint of how you felt one way or the other? No slanting, everything neutral facts. This is what Birk and Birk may have been referring to when they stated that without charged language, life would be but half life.
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